{in the interest of full disclosure, this post is somewhat about prayer but a lot about "what if I never get married" so it might not be for everyone...i know there are much more serious issues out there. I'm really trying not to make every one of my blog posts about this subject but (honestly) it's a pretty consuming thought process of mine...there is a short summary of this post at the bottom of the page}
so i'm thinking i might not even actually post this post, but i think i need to get this out/down in "writing". We recently started a new sermon series at church. It's on prayer. I will totally be the first one to admit that my prayer life is no where near what it needs to be. Prayer has always been one thing that I've really, really struggled with. I think this is partly due to the "abstract like nature" of praying. What I mean by that is that your talking to someone who is there but who you can't see. And your talking about a variety of things. My mind normally is going so fast that I just get so mixed up with what I want to really say. And I know that that is okay (holy Spirit interceding and everything)...but it's somewhat frustrating for me.
Then you have the whole it's a one sided conversation. I know God is listening and that he answers prayers but it's not like your sitting down and having a discussion with him (or at least I haven't gotten to a level with that type of prayer...but that would be a really great place to be at). I also feel like my struggles, concerns, wants and needs are so very minor in the grand scheme of this world that should I even really be asking God for and taking up his time talking to him about such small and unimportant things. (and again I know that we should bring everything to him and that no matter is too small, but knowing and accepting/practicing this are two very different things.) Cause honestly, I have a pretty great life. I have 2 great parents, a pretty awesome brother and lots of good friends. I've never really been through some great struggle. And here is what really terrifies me. I'm sure you've heard the saying that you can't have a testimony with there being tests. So here it is: i'm scared of what my tests might be. And then I feel like the main things I struggle with right now are just so shallow in the grand scheme of the world and I shouldn't even consider that my minor struggles would really be considered a test/serious problem. I don't have a chronic illness and I'm not worried about where my next meal will come from or how I will take care of my children. All I'm worried about is the fact that I might never get married/have my own family/be a mom. I mean that just seems so silly compared to the death of a child.
So there you have it. A random rambling of thoughts that is somewhat connected.
The sermon scripture came from 1 Samuel where Hannah is praying for a child. It was mentioned how God had Hannah wait until she was ready to give Samuel back to him. But it was also mentioned that sometimes God's answer is no. I can tell myself that I'm okay with waiting. And then maybe I can actually be okay with that. But to be okay with no as the answer. I honestly I am no where near a position to be okay with that being the answer. And I can't ever see myself reaching that point. And sure I pray about this. I think that might be one of the most frustrating parts about this whole thing for me. Since 8th grade (so for the past 10 years) a constant prayer of mine has been for my future husband. I think this is a great practice for girls to do. (and that's another blog post all in itself) But to think about something that I've earnestly prayed about for the past 10 years (15 years, etc.) could just never happen is a really upsetting thought. I know, I'm only 23. But really that doesn't change (AT ALL) how I feel. Then I start to wonder if maybe I'm doing something wrong. I mean maybe God is trying to tell me something and I'm just not listening. Maybe there's something wrong with me and this is just never going to happen for me.
I think it's pretty fitting that I just wrote about my best friends. None of them are married [yet] and I'm not gonna lie, I think my heart might break a little each time that happens. I'm not ready to get a call from one of them announcing an engagement. selfish-maybe but I just don't know how else to say that. (to be fair none of them are in a serious relationship and I think that if they were, I might feel a little different about the whole engagement issue)
I think one reason why this topic is always on my mind is because I have a lot of free time recently. And so when my mind starts to wonder, it starts to think about all these what-ifs. And I'm not gonna go there now, but I'm pretty sure you can guess how my what-ifs might go. I will also say that I'm really hoping (and praying) that once I have a job, I'll feel a little more settled, not so alone and this won't be such an all consuming thought of mine. So hopefully a job will be happening soon and these thoughts will calm down a little bit.
But back to the topic of my friends. I really, really think I need to find some friends who are in the same life stage as me. I know I don't typically get along with people my own age but I realize that there are other mature girls out there who feel like I do. I just think we could be such an encouragement to one another. I (obviously) didn't realize how much I would miss those girls until we had all gone our separate ways. I think that my relationship with those girls has slightly ruined me, especially when considering a church setting. I never really considered that it would be difficult to find a group of Godly single young women who can have fun but still have standards. I'd like to think that I'm not asking for that much but most days I feel like I really am.
To conclude a pretty rambling post: I need to work on improving my prayer life and not feel so bad about what I am praying for. I should definitely start praying for close girl-friends who are in this same life stage as me. And I need to come up with more blog topics than just how much I'm kinda really freaked out that I might never get married
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