{let me set the scene for you....I'm that girl typing this in a Starbucks hoping I don't look too crazy and emotional...never thought I'd be THAT girl...}
My recent blog posts have mostly been really depressing. In fact, I think most of my posts tend to end up having a sad note or two in them. I'm not really sure what that says about me as a person, seeing as how I'm not this super depressed person (or at least I don't think I am).
I will admit that I think I'm pretty good at hiding my emotions. And I know that I do this because all of the sudden someone will make a random comment, I'll see a quote on pinterest or I'll hear a line in a song and then I'm crying. I really, really pride myself on not being this overly emotional girl. I am probably one of the WORST people to be stuck talking too when you need a sympathetic listener. By the same token, I HATE talking about what I'm feeling. Especially when I can assume what whoever I'm talking to is going to respond with. (and I might be wrong about what they would say, but if I think I have a good guess and it's not something that I really want to hear, then I probably just won't talk...is this the best option, no...but then I end up only sad not sad/mad/angry)
I recently came to the realization that the worst thing about how I'm feeling is how guilty I feel for feeling the way I do. This goes back to the whole my problems really aren't that bad in the grand scheme of life. But then I come back to well they are MY problems....so I can feel anyway I want about them. And so what if they might seem petty to someone else, that's not how I feel.
Another reason I don't feel like talking is that there is nothing that anyone can do to fix this. No one can just hand me a job (okay they can...but not anyone that I'd actually talk to about this). No one can just make the right guy appear. So why talk when no one can do anything about it. I'd rather just not bother.
That's why I decided to blog about this. I figured I needed to get this out because I'm so ready to stop feeling this way. I don't really journal, or at least I don't want to journal this. The only journal I currently have is one I'm writing to my 'future husband' and that's a whole different blog post in itself.
But back to the whole there is nothing anyone can do about my problems. Sometimes I feel like there is nothing that even I can do. Sure, I can go to recruiting events and apply for jobs but at some point a company has to decide on me, not me on them. Finding a guy is even more complicated...and I'm at a point in my life where I don't know how I'm going to find him (terrifying thought obviously). I can't tell you how much I just knew that I was going to find him in college...and then in grad school. So now even if I still feel pretty good about finding him, obviously I've been wrong before, what's to stop me from being wrong again. I know that I can't just stop living my life and expect him to just appear at the front door one day. But it's just hard not knowing....and not knowing what I should be doing. I'm going to be pretty honest here (and I think I've blogged this thought before possibly) but sometimes (or most of the time) I want to know why girls who are making less than appropriate life decisions end up with a guy (or multiple guys) wanting to date them. I keep telling myself that one day not just following the crowd and giving into the pressure to fit in will be rewarded. (and I know that when God talks about that He means a heavenly reward...but maybe it can be in the form of a great guy too....)
Okay so enough with the super depressing thoughts of me living my life all alone and being the lady, who 15 years down the road, everyone wonders where I went wrong/what happened to me. I just can't be the crazy cat lady....I hate cats!
No comments:
Post a Comment