I had a blog post scheduled to post earlier this afternoon, right about the time I finished my last final ever in college. Now I'm not so sure that it will be my last college exam. In fact the more I think about it, the more upset I get and I'm pretty confident now that I will not be graduating next Saturday. And honestly I don't really know how this happened...and to ME of all people.
I can't believe that I'm sitting here typing this on a Friday night. This might be the most random-y post ever but I need to get this out. I just had a breakdown of the most epic proportion. I'm really not even sure how to explain all of my feelings but I think it's super important that I get them out. I also really need to disclose that I probably have the worlds greatest parents ever. They definitely just talked me through this breakdown and I would still be a hot mess (well a bigger one than I currently am) if it wasn't for them.
The fact that I'm pretty sure that I won't be graduating on Saturday only makes me feel like the biggest failure ever...and you know a huge disappointment too. It also makes me super aware of the fact that now not only am I am not graduating with a job (which would be revoked when I don't graduate so hey maybe that's the blessing here) but I won't actually be graduating at all. I can honestly say that I feel like my grad school experience can be summed up as a year of where I really felt like a failure and like by best effort wasn't nearly good enough. I spent many Thursday and Friday nights studying while it felt like everyone else was going out. I don't understand how some people just seem to have it all. These people who seem to "have it all", I mean I know that they don't and that everyone has problems and no one is perfect or has the perfect life. I guess what I'm trying to say is why do people who engage in "reckless behavior" (because i can't think of a better term...) seem to get rewarded. I mean it's not really all that easy to be the one to say no and the one who it's comfortable with the "reckless behavior." And I'm really not this prude of a person...at least I really really hope I'm not.
And on top of this whole no degree, no job current life situation of mine, I also feel like I'm pretty alone. Part of this really ties into the whole, I kind of have standards part of my life. And I really don't mean that in this judgmental way, because I really do like to have fun. But I'm just not doing certain things, and I guess at the end of the day I'd rather be typing this super depressing blog post and checking twitter obsessively than waking up tomorrow and hating myself. The alone factor also comes from the whole not currently dating anyone and having no prospects. And then I go back to the whole what kind of successful guy is really going to want to date someone who can't graduate. (It's like the never ending version of depression...I'm really going to try to stop mentioning the whole graduation thing.) The whole not dating anyone makes me wonder if I'm ever going to find anyone, cause I was suppose to find this person in college...and I even went a year longer and here we are, nothing. Except I know that it's going to take a really special guy (as if I didn't already know this because I'm a little crazy) because I'm not the kind of girl that's going home with you when the bar closes. And honestly that puts me at a major disadvantage (another grad school lesson I've learned....).
And with this whole alone idea is the idea that I feel really left behind by everyone. And again, this is definitely a feeling that I'm not accustom to at all. I feel like everyone around me is just moving on with life, and in exactly the way they wanted....and i'm just stuck here. And I know that's also a super depressing thought. I'm just on a role with this post.
I've joked quite a bit this year about not even wanting to be an accountant...maybe this is God's way of telling me that I shouldn't be one. But if I start with this whole line of thinking I'll go down the road of trying to justify this...and trying to figure out what God's plan might be. And, let's face it, I'm obviously really stellar at knowing his plan. (now would probably be a good time to mention i'm really quite sarcastic)
I think I just need to publish this post and then take my dad's advice and watch something funny on t.v. and try not to worry about this. Because I have a test on Tuesday that I need to study for...and I can't let this whole graduating thing ruin that too. And that fact is yeah I may feel like the world's biggest failure but the fact that my parents were willing to get in the car right this minute to come and take me home kind of makes the me luckies girl ever. So I'll be okay without that degree because I'm pretty awesome anyways...or at least my parents think so.
(definitely didn't proof this AT ALL so if it's incoherent sorry...but i don't really think anyone reads this so hey this can just be a note to remind myself of the no-editing fact when I'm reading this later...)
(and i really want my header to be centered but i can't make that happen...and i really don't have the time to try and figure out how to make that happen thanks to the above-mentioned exam on tuesday...but trust me that it bothers me WAY more than it could ever bother you...)
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