Fan or Follower {week one}

Sunday evening, my small group started a study following the book, Not a Fan (written by Kyle Idleman). The basis of the study is to help show you whether you are a follower or just a fan of Jesus.

I think this is going to be a very eye-opening study and something that will definitely make me think about things in a different light. The main idea of this first week was that we needed to have a DTR moment with Jesus. A DTR {define the relationship} talk is vital in every relationship if things are ever going to progress. I have to admit that when this term was first used, all I could think about was a scene from How I Met your Mother. {Lily locks Barney & Robin in a room because they refuse to define their relationship and Lily thinks that they need to} Once I moved on from that thought, I realized how true this is. I really do need to define my relationship…because I think just saying I’m a Christian and that I believe, doesn’t really seem adequate enough. So currently, I’m working on this.

The fan or follower concept was related to a football game. Kyle made a comparison that I thought was extremely thought provoking. He said that he wondered how many church sanctuaries have turned into stadiums, full of just fans.

So I’ve been thinking about where I stand on the fan or follower question…and I’m still thinking on it. 

an answered prayer

In all of my 23 (almost 24) years, I feel like there have been VERY FEW things that I can honestly say I know have been an answered prayer of mine, if any. But within in the past 3 months or so, it became crystal clear that God had done exactly that. No, I don't have a secret boyfriend or an amazing job but I kind of think this is just as good. 
Remember this blog post here where I talked about surviving church as a single. Well, I'm still single but I do have a new, really good single girlfriend. I really like having someone else who is in the exact same season of life that I am in. I love that we can make spur of the moment plans and I don't feel weird asking her if she wants to meet up for dinner because I know she doesn't have a husband or kids to consider. (i don't mean for that to sound bad if it did)
I just am so thankful for Anna. I am so happy she ended up in Greenville because I really needed her friendship. I've also become closer with some of the married ladies, without kids. Again, my parents were clearly right in telling me I needed more friends who more my age. Really, why are parents always right? 
And I know Anna being here is a God thing, but I feel like it's especially a God thing the way everything worked out for us to just dive head-first into this friendship. I would have never thought that asking about an open spot on the special events committee for the children's ministry all those months ago would lead to this. But through that committee, i helped plan VBS. Anna started working about 2 weeks or so before VBS happened so we all were completely overwhelmed together. and without all those longs nights hanging green paper at the church, who knows where we would be now?!?
I am so thankful to have someone that I can talk too about when I'm feeling alone, someone who is just there without me having to feel like a burden or a 9th wheel. 
So yes, I may have no idea what God's plan is for my life and if I'm even anywhere near his path for me, but I am so happy to be in Greenville and have the opportunity to grow these relationships. And I know for certain, that where ever I may end up, I am going to definitely need some great girlfriends. 

Life (take 57?)

I feel really bad about neglecting this blog. I have a ton of pictures that I need to blog but I also have a list of blog ideas that I really want to get too. Hopefully all of that will be coming soon and I can get back into the swing of blogging. 

To try and get back into blogging, I have a rather random post today...after all they are my speciality :)
The sermon from this past Sunday was about God's plan. Any sermon on this topic is pretty much guaranteed to make me tear up so I tried really hard to avoid that. {little did i know that there was going to be a major announcement about a family leaving and i cried anyways}
There were three things that our preacher asked us to take with us concerning God's plan. They are that sometimes God's plan is different than mine, God will make his plan known and my job is to decide to follow his plan. 
Of course whenever the topic of God's plan comes up, my mind quickly goes to how evidently my plan is nothing like God's plan. But the hardest part for me about God's plan is trying to listen to God...or figure out if it's actually what God wants or if it's just life and I'm reading way too much into a particular situation. So naturally I spend a lot of time both during the sermon and the for a few days following, trying to figure out what I need to do with my life...and how I need to better listen for God in my life. I seriously can't explain how difficult this is for me. How much it makes me wonder if I'm kind of on the right path or if I'm not even in the ballpark. My biggest fear is that I am so far away from God's plan and I don't even know it. Or that God will make his plan known but I won't get the message. 

Oh life, complicated sometimes doesn't even begin to cover it.

my college experience [church-wise]

so i vaguely mentioned in a previous post that my church experience during college was one of my biggest regrets so far. and i'm sure you read that part and thought "seriously, now i know she's crazy" and well maybe i am. but i don't really have any regrets from college...except church. so maybe i should count myself lucky in that respect. but i do kind of feel cheated. not to beat a dead horse but i think i that i just had really unrealistic expectations of the kinds of relationships you build through church. i mean i went to church...and i went all the freaking time but things just never really clicked for me.
so fall of my freshman year i started attending a college church. i was so excited. i mean this church was so different than the one i had grown up in and i loved that. i loved that it was my choice to go and that there were so many different types of people there. but there was no one else my age (well no other freshmen) and i think that should have been my first sign. i've always gotten along well with older people but everyone already had their group of friends...and i never really found mine. at least not the first year. however by the end of my sophomore year i was beginning to (finally) create some friendships.
my junior year was much better but it was pretty much just a social year. which was fine. looking back on that year, it was fun but there was no real spiritual growth or connection. we always had a girls group but it was pretty shallow when i think about it now. but i don't know if i would have wanted something deep. i mean talking about the important stuff isn't easy. and it really takes a special leader and group for a great girls group to happen. and i don't think i ever experienced that while at college. i mean i never really talked about fears or the what-ifs in life, i mean we never got real with each other. we did such generic topics and i so wish we had done something that could have provoked the deep stuff. there was a little bit of drama with the girls group (which didn't help anything) but ultimately i think that we could never get the right topic with the right people to happen. so the deep & real relationships didn't happen. and i really regret not looking outside of the church i was attending to find a bible study that more fit my desires. (i think this is also a slight fear i have right now...i would just really like to attend a ladies bible study that wasn't for women of all ages...cause i don't really think that the 65 year old lady who has been married for 40 years can relate to me as well as someone who is 25...but anyways)
by my senior year i was freaked out that i hadn't met the boy and that i had no idea what i was going to do with my life (and 2+ years later i'm still in the same boat...ironic maybe?) so i was kinda stressed. and i was "working" at the church very, very part-time. i think around this point i just wanted a reason to no longer go. i was so just going for the social aspect and because going to church is what you do. this year was when i started struggling the most with the whole "where do i belong" thing. i was so, so stressed about what to do with my life. senior year is really a blur when i think about church. for the first time i really, really needed & missed my close girl-friends. i think it really hit me when i was at a college retreat and even though i had been before, i was totally expecting it to be like the retreats from high school. and it just wasn't. AT ALL. mainly because when i needed to talk to someone about how scared i was of failing, of letting people down & of being alone (you know, basic life thoughts) i didn't feel like i had anyone. i mean i wanted someone who was going through it too. (and maybe i just expected too much?!) so i ended up crying in a bathroom at gulfcoast. not one of my proudest moments but it was real. and then a few weeks later i got into grad school and things kind of calmed down. at least i would have another year to figure things out (and i'll let you know when i actually do that). {i honestly just knew that i was going to meet the boy in grad school...after all that had to be why i got in...again i might be crazy}
so i graduated undergrad and started grad school.  i decided to go to another church near campus. it was a complete 180 from the church i grew up in. and for about 3 weeks that was super cool. then it wasn't. but i still went, because that's what you do. there were no other college students really there but there were some young married couples that i already knew. i'm not going to lie, a reason i was so willing to try something different was that i was hoping i could develop some friendships with these people. however that didn't pan out, partly because while they may have been young married couples only a few years older than me, they acted about 12. and i think that they kind of looked down on me because i was still in college (grad school people) and i was younger than they were & not married. and for whatever reason it was kind of a crappy year church wise. (and i totally know my attitude played a role in this) i was uncomfortable while in church, scared that i was going to do something that would be frowned upon (like clap) and most of the time i ended up at lunch alone because the couples all went together and i obviously wasn't cool enough to be invited. and okay so that sounds bitter but i promise i'm not. they really are not the type of people i want to be friends with but it still hurt that they didn't want to include me. i mean i am only human after all. 
and looking back on this time (and maybe i'm just being a little dramatic) but i think that this somewhat explains how i feel now. like i really don't want to be this huge burden on your life or anything but i think i'm a pretty cool and fun person (yeah obviously lame if i say that about myself, i know) but you know, maybe it's just too much for you to include me. and hey, this is why i need single friends...people who maybe sometimes feel the same way & that don't have a husband/wife/family to eat with.
so here we are, up to where i'm currently going to church. i like it. a lot. maybe because it's a lot like the church i grew up in and that makes me happy. maybe it's because i think i'm finally making my own friends...kind of. i do wish that there were some single people there but again i'm just hanging out with the married people & their kids. i don't really know where i'll end up getting a permanent job at so i haven't really let myself fully accept that this church could be the first church i attend as a "real" adult..or that could be a church in another state completely. i guess i'll just have to wait and see where i end up. but hopefully, wherever that is, it will be at a great church. because i now know how important a great church is. and i won't be making that mistake again.
**i've had this blog post written for almost a week and i've hesitated to post it. but i really feel like i should. i am definitely not trying to tell anyone that they should stop attending church if they don't like it because one day they will regret going. what i regret is that i was complacent and didn't look to see what else the world had to offer me. maybe i just took the easy road and that's what i regret. as i've said before, some of the very best relationships i have were built through church. and i want nothing more than for my children to love going to church as much as i have and for them to have those same relationships. i was careful to not mention where i was attending church because that's not the important part of the story. 

high five for friday!

again i'm linking up with lauren for high five for friday and here are my 5 things from this past week


(1) last saturday i went shopping and bought 5 tops/dresses...all with stripes. i think i might have a problem.


(2) speaking of shopping, i've found some really great things at Ross & Marshall HomeGoods recently. some of my striped shirts came from there as well as some shoes that are not typical Staci shoes but i kind of love them...and orange mini pie dishes...because obviously i needed those. (and i really did) i also found some cute pillows and realized that when i have an apartment to decorate i should really return to HomeGoods.


(3) i took regulation (for the THIRD time...third time is totally the charm right?) on wednesday. hopefully i'll be done with the CPA exam and all i'll need to do is find a job...easier said then done. but the test was not without a little drama beforehand. my car battery died tuesday night. silver lining is that i discovered this tuesday night not wednesday morning. but anyway everything got worked out and i took the CPA exam (seriously hopefully for the last time!)


(4) i am really enjoying the voice right now and it's all thanks to viggle. it's not a show i would have normally watched but i'm glad that viggle encourages me to check-in because it's pretty great!


(5)  yesterday the twins and i went to a play date at church. only one other person showed up but it was still a good morning. evidently some sickness is going around so thankfully those people just stayed home. after playing, we met some other friends for lunch at Panera. it was super nice outside so we ate on the patio near a fountain, which hypotized Riggs for quite a while. after a long lunch, we wondered into a cute store nearby and then headed home..after a stop at sonic naturally. the twins do so well whenever we go out (they are great at the house too but they really like getting out occasionally). i'm looking forward to more play-dates and maybe even a trip to the park or the zoo. we love our crazy adventures (which really are not crazy at all...) oh and i got a gold-star for the day...i was uncharacteristically nice for Staci...which you'll only really get if you know me...but it was proof that i really can be a nice person!


happy weekend y'all! oh and go tigers! baseball season is here and clemson has a series with our big rival this weekend! 

surviving church as a single

the website stuff christian's like is pretty funny. a few weeks ago there was an article about single adults and church (article can be found here) i related to a few points but really the article caused me to come to a major realization (or to rehash the same realization i talked about here). basically being single in church can be tough. i assumed it would be easier if there was a single's group that i could be a part of. i'm not gonna lie, in my head this group is pretty cool and we do lots of fun things. plus everyone's single so no one feels like the awkward third wheel (but more on that feeling later). but what if, one day there is a single's group and it's totally lame...or what if there is no one in that group that i can relate too? or what if it's one of the dreaded combo groups...i mean i'm only 23 and i don't relate well to college students at all..i can't imagine how true this will be in a few years.
and evidently, well according to the article at least, there are some big stereotypes that would be associated with such a group. and seriously if someone said something to me like "i don't know how someone as great as you isn't married" and it had been a bad sunday, there is a definite chance that i'd burst into tears at that exact moment...which would be awesome. oh and "if you stop looking for love you'll find it" okay barf...seriously people...i immediately thought of all the times people have told me they met their spouse at a youth or college retreat so that could totally happen to me too. yup i've been to Winterfest too many times to count (over 10 years) and still no ring or boy...so just because you went ONE year and happened to meet the "one" please don't act like the same thing will happen to me. plus whatever happened to encouraging a girl to happy with herself as she is. let's not put all these expectations on youth retreats and i bet everyone will leave them so much more fulfilled with God rather than negative thoughts about how it was a failure because you didn't get the guys number. (okay off that soapbox)
and if anyone ever told me how i needed to be more like the proverbs 31 woman i would cry...or punch them...but probably cry. i just wonder if people seriously think that's okay to tell someone. and let's just be clear here...i'm going to make an awesome wife and mother one day and yes all women could try and be more like the proverbs 31 woman but don't act like that's the reason i'm still single okay? (okay really moving on)
but seriously the main thing i gathered from this article (other than thankfulness that i haven't experienced a lot of these things yet and fear for what might come) is that maybe being a part of a singles ministry isn't all i've imagined in my head. but i'd like the opportunity to try it out. i'm written before about how much i loved my church experience in high school but i haven't really talked about my church-going experience while in college. that's definitely too much to write about here (be looking for a blog post all about that) but looking back on it now, it was a let-down. i don't know if i just had unrealistic expectations or what...but i think that has been one of my biggest regrets so far. and now that i'm past that phase, i think i would really like to try out a single's ministry. but how? i mean if the church your attending doesn't have one and you really like your current church, do you seek out other churches in the area looking specifically for such a ministry? [i feel like this could just be a slippery slope to selecting a church based purely on whether or not a potential husband is also attending...] or do you stick with where you are happy? or maybe you just look for jobs in completely different states knowing that maybe a clean start would be cool too. 
surviving church as a single can really be tough and evidently it's that way whether or not your part of a  singles ministry. but there has to be some redeeming qualities to a singles ministry right? again, i know i'm thinking of how church was when i was in high school but it was great to have friends who you could always do stuff with. whether it was getting dinner on a thursday night or lunch on saturday or just wondering around target aimlessly, it was so nice to have that companionship. and when your the only single person, you don't have anyone to do that with. so you end up eating dinner out alone or your the third/fifth/ninth wheel. either way totally awesome (again i think i have a whole blog post coming on this subject alone..i know your so excited)
so maybe this post was just another ramble that makes absolutely no sense...but maybe you get it too. and hey if your in the greenville area of sc maybe we should just start our own singles group. i promise i'm not as sad/dramatic/crazy as my posts may lead you to believe!

maternal instinct?

after engage last night, i was kind-of part of a conversation that was about maternal instincts and if they kick in after giving birth. the question was posed to a recent first time mother, who responded with a definite "yes" and that they kicked in immediately after she gave birth. so on my drive home (which was nothing like the drive home mentioned in this post thank goodness!) i thought about this maternal instinct idea. i have honestly never thought about whether i would have that maternal instinct once i had kids. i mean i've always been pretty good with kids and kids have always liked me so i just figured that my own kids would follow that pattern. and, as i've gotten older and been around more kids and spent more time with babies, i just knew that this would totally be the case with my own kids. obviously i'm not having kids anytime soon so i can't test out this theory just yet.

but don't get me wrong i know that nothing can compare to what i'll feel for my own kids. so there's that. and i also know that while i may spend my days with two 9 month olds changing diapers and figuring out nap times, i don't make big decisions or anything. obviously, i mean that's why the babies have parents...i just dress them in fun clothes and take a gazillion pictures of them. and i can admit that i'm totally not ready to make the big decisions (okay that's a slight lie...sure i'm not ready but a lot (or all) of that has to do with the boy and that whole situation...i'm definitely way ahead of most other 23 year olds) 

and now it's time for the scary thought i had while on my way home...what if i don't have maternal instincts? i'm being 100% serious here...what if once i have a child i just don't feel "it"...and i don't even know what "it" is! and then i realized how ridiculous it is for me to feel this way because a) i'm nowhere close to having a baby & b) do i honestly think i would ever feel that way about my own child. 

but after about 2 minutes of thinking about this i realized that this was probably definitely THE most irrational fear i've ever had. of course with my own kids it will be different...and even if i'm not that different than i am now, who cares. i'm pretty good with figuring out a baby as i am right now. i would like to admit that i think teen mom is to blame for me considering that there might be a lack of maternal instinct...i mean seriously some of those girls have it but some of them wouldn't recognize it if it smacked them in the face...20 times a day. 

i feel like it's also fair to mention that sometimes i just know that i'll have like the most difficult baby ever. but then i realize that i would probably be better equipped to handle that than some other people...and no lie my dad has joked with me since i was probably 13 that i would have twins because i would need it to mellow me out...and to show me that parenting isn't as easy as i made it out to be (in my 13 year old mind). but in the past year he's kind of realized that twins really wouldn't terrify me (not that they ever did) so now he says triplets...thanks for that one John. 

attending a parents meeting...nbd

so this past Sunday i went to a meeting for parents of children...yeah i know i don't have kids yet but i went for someone who does. and honestly, i think it's the kind of thing that any church member who either has young kids or plans to have kids should go and hear. and also, it's meetings like these that remind me how lucky i am to have the parents that i do. a lot of the stuff that was discussed were definitely present in my childhood..and honestly until a few years ago i would have assumed were present in any child's life whose parents attended church regularly. i've learned a lot about that in the past few years (even without being a parent) and it has certainly solidified my ideas about how my children will be raised. 


one point that was made was that your children develop friendships while attending class and church.
this was my FAVORITE point and is pretty much the point of this entire post.
These friendships that are made when children are so young will hopefully continue to grow so that when they are in middle/high school they have a great group of friends who have similar morals/beliefs and share the "same faith." as i've written before about the great group of friends that i met at church when i was in the first grade and how impact-full their friendship was come high school. and i seriously had an ah-ha moment when the minister made this comment. i was always at church...any time the doors were open we were there...and so were the girls that i developed these friendships with. and i really want nothing more for my children (especially my daughter/s), then for them to have the same friendships. so yeah my kids will be at church all the time. because i want them to have every opportunity to have those friendships. and i know some days will be rough but there's nothing more important than the spiritual development of my to-be children. 
and yes, i know that there is more to it than just going to church. trust me, i know that. i grew up with daily family devotionals until i was old enough to do them myself, along with family prayer time. so it won't be left up to sunday school teachers. and it's going to be the top priority for me. so yeah i think that anyone who is going to be a parent can benefit from hearing stuff life this. i liked the reminder. 
and to completely change directions (well sorta) i think that this so relates to looking for the boy. i just can't imagine being married to someone, much less trying to raise children with someone that doesn't have spiritual development as the top priority and is satisfied with attending church casually. so i guess the boy has some big expectations to meet...but i have no doubt that he'll do just fine :)

twitter love tuesdays

so i'm pretty sure there is no such thing as twitter-love tuesdays but i had something from twitter that i wanted to share and i thought it semi-flowed so here we are.

i stumbled across ChicksInChurch on twitter and i am in LOVE! i relate to pretty much every single one of their tweets and i wish i went to church with these girls. recent tweet topics that i have made me smile and say "that's so me" include having quiet time in an elevator while at a church retreat/conference, wondering when the engaged fad will end on facebook, figuring out what God wants for me by spending money in Europe (or grad school) and leaving room for Jesus while dancing. 

reading through these tweets really make me so happy (it's the little things people) and there are a few that i have to share word for word!

Did Jesus say much about dating?" About as much as He talked about pinterest... #courtship hollllla!!

"He's gotta be a good steward of money, but he also better get me a ROCK!" #ChicksinChurch (kidding...sorta...about the ring not being a good steward)

"Still trying to decide if Im sold out enough to raise my hands at my parents church. Its totes no big in college, but at home? Ehh" 

"Girl, Did you see her last night? She was holding a solo cup. At a party..."

and finally i have NEVER related to a tweet quite like i do this one:

"Ok when we get there, you walk in first and I'll sit by you so we don't have to meet anyone around us." #ChicksinChurch