my college experience [church-wise]

so i vaguely mentioned in a previous post that my church experience during college was one of my biggest regrets so far. and i'm sure you read that part and thought "seriously, now i know she's crazy" and well maybe i am. but i don't really have any regrets from college...except church. so maybe i should count myself lucky in that respect. but i do kind of feel cheated. not to beat a dead horse but i think i that i just had really unrealistic expectations of the kinds of relationships you build through church. i mean i went to church...and i went all the freaking time but things just never really clicked for me.
so fall of my freshman year i started attending a college church. i was so excited. i mean this church was so different than the one i had grown up in and i loved that. i loved that it was my choice to go and that there were so many different types of people there. but there was no one else my age (well no other freshmen) and i think that should have been my first sign. i've always gotten along well with older people but everyone already had their group of friends...and i never really found mine. at least not the first year. however by the end of my sophomore year i was beginning to (finally) create some friendships.
my junior year was much better but it was pretty much just a social year. which was fine. looking back on that year, it was fun but there was no real spiritual growth or connection. we always had a girls group but it was pretty shallow when i think about it now. but i don't know if i would have wanted something deep. i mean talking about the important stuff isn't easy. and it really takes a special leader and group for a great girls group to happen. and i don't think i ever experienced that while at college. i mean i never really talked about fears or the what-ifs in life, i mean we never got real with each other. we did such generic topics and i so wish we had done something that could have provoked the deep stuff. there was a little bit of drama with the girls group (which didn't help anything) but ultimately i think that we could never get the right topic with the right people to happen. so the deep & real relationships didn't happen. and i really regret not looking outside of the church i was attending to find a bible study that more fit my desires. (i think this is also a slight fear i have right now...i would just really like to attend a ladies bible study that wasn't for women of all ages...cause i don't really think that the 65 year old lady who has been married for 40 years can relate to me as well as someone who is 25...but anyways)
by my senior year i was freaked out that i hadn't met the boy and that i had no idea what i was going to do with my life (and 2+ years later i'm still in the same boat...ironic maybe?) so i was kinda stressed. and i was "working" at the church very, very part-time. i think around this point i just wanted a reason to no longer go. i was so just going for the social aspect and because going to church is what you do. this year was when i started struggling the most with the whole "where do i belong" thing. i was so, so stressed about what to do with my life. senior year is really a blur when i think about church. for the first time i really, really needed & missed my close girl-friends. i think it really hit me when i was at a college retreat and even though i had been before, i was totally expecting it to be like the retreats from high school. and it just wasn't. AT ALL. mainly because when i needed to talk to someone about how scared i was of failing, of letting people down & of being alone (you know, basic life thoughts) i didn't feel like i had anyone. i mean i wanted someone who was going through it too. (and maybe i just expected too much?!) so i ended up crying in a bathroom at gulfcoast. not one of my proudest moments but it was real. and then a few weeks later i got into grad school and things kind of calmed down. at least i would have another year to figure things out (and i'll let you know when i actually do that). {i honestly just knew that i was going to meet the boy in grad school...after all that had to be why i got in...again i might be crazy}
so i graduated undergrad and started grad school.  i decided to go to another church near campus. it was a complete 180 from the church i grew up in. and for about 3 weeks that was super cool. then it wasn't. but i still went, because that's what you do. there were no other college students really there but there were some young married couples that i already knew. i'm not going to lie, a reason i was so willing to try something different was that i was hoping i could develop some friendships with these people. however that didn't pan out, partly because while they may have been young married couples only a few years older than me, they acted about 12. and i think that they kind of looked down on me because i was still in college (grad school people) and i was younger than they were & not married. and for whatever reason it was kind of a crappy year church wise. (and i totally know my attitude played a role in this) i was uncomfortable while in church, scared that i was going to do something that would be frowned upon (like clap) and most of the time i ended up at lunch alone because the couples all went together and i obviously wasn't cool enough to be invited. and okay so that sounds bitter but i promise i'm not. they really are not the type of people i want to be friends with but it still hurt that they didn't want to include me. i mean i am only human after all. 
and looking back on this time (and maybe i'm just being a little dramatic) but i think that this somewhat explains how i feel now. like i really don't want to be this huge burden on your life or anything but i think i'm a pretty cool and fun person (yeah obviously lame if i say that about myself, i know) but you know, maybe it's just too much for you to include me. and hey, this is why i need single friends...people who maybe sometimes feel the same way & that don't have a husband/wife/family to eat with.
so here we are, up to where i'm currently going to church. i like it. a lot. maybe because it's a lot like the church i grew up in and that makes me happy. maybe it's because i think i'm finally making my own friends...kind of. i do wish that there were some single people there but again i'm just hanging out with the married people & their kids. i don't really know where i'll end up getting a permanent job at so i haven't really let myself fully accept that this church could be the first church i attend as a "real" adult..or that could be a church in another state completely. i guess i'll just have to wait and see where i end up. but hopefully, wherever that is, it will be at a great church. because i now know how important a great church is. and i won't be making that mistake again.
**i've had this blog post written for almost a week and i've hesitated to post it. but i really feel like i should. i am definitely not trying to tell anyone that they should stop attending church if they don't like it because one day they will regret going. what i regret is that i was complacent and didn't look to see what else the world had to offer me. maybe i just took the easy road and that's what i regret. as i've said before, some of the very best relationships i have were built through church. and i want nothing more than for my children to love going to church as much as i have and for them to have those same relationships. i was careful to not mention where i was attending church because that's not the important part of the story. 

attending a parents meeting...nbd

so this past Sunday i went to a meeting for parents of children...yeah i know i don't have kids yet but i went for someone who does. and honestly, i think it's the kind of thing that any church member who either has young kids or plans to have kids should go and hear. and also, it's meetings like these that remind me how lucky i am to have the parents that i do. a lot of the stuff that was discussed were definitely present in my childhood..and honestly until a few years ago i would have assumed were present in any child's life whose parents attended church regularly. i've learned a lot about that in the past few years (even without being a parent) and it has certainly solidified my ideas about how my children will be raised. 


one point that was made was that your children develop friendships while attending class and church.
this was my FAVORITE point and is pretty much the point of this entire post.
These friendships that are made when children are so young will hopefully continue to grow so that when they are in middle/high school they have a great group of friends who have similar morals/beliefs and share the "same faith." as i've written before about the great group of friends that i met at church when i was in the first grade and how impact-full their friendship was come high school. and i seriously had an ah-ha moment when the minister made this comment. i was always at church...any time the doors were open we were there...and so were the girls that i developed these friendships with. and i really want nothing more for my children (especially my daughter/s), then for them to have the same friendships. so yeah my kids will be at church all the time. because i want them to have every opportunity to have those friendships. and i know some days will be rough but there's nothing more important than the spiritual development of my to-be children. 
and yes, i know that there is more to it than just going to church. trust me, i know that. i grew up with daily family devotionals until i was old enough to do them myself, along with family prayer time. so it won't be left up to sunday school teachers. and it's going to be the top priority for me. so yeah i think that anyone who is going to be a parent can benefit from hearing stuff life this. i liked the reminder. 
and to completely change directions (well sorta) i think that this so relates to looking for the boy. i just can't imagine being married to someone, much less trying to raise children with someone that doesn't have spiritual development as the top priority and is satisfied with attending church casually. so i guess the boy has some big expectations to meet...but i have no doubt that he'll do just fine :)

A Letter to me at 15

{I know some of this stuff may have already been discussed on my blog…but some things are just worth repeating}

So 15 years old…high school can be a not so great time. However I know that I loved it. The classes were challenging yet fun but more importantly I had the greatest friends. Don’t ever take those friends for granted. You have no idea how much you’re going to miss them and how much they have truly impacted you.

Youth group can be a difficult trip sometimes but you’ll always be glad that you went. It’s okay for you to have different opinions than the others; it’s even okay to have a differing opinion from your youth minister. However there are probably more tactful ways to explain your side. I’d like to say you’ve gotten a little better with this but that still remains to be seen.

At 15 you have all kinds of lofty dreams and expectations for your future. AND THAT IS AWESOME. A little ambition never hurt anyone. I will say that everything you thought you wanted for your future radically changes your freshman year in college. I’m pretty sure that this happens for most people but you, of course, thought you had it all figured out already. But that’s okay; you have learned to roll with the punches a little bit more. Oh but don’t worry, you definitely still want everything to happen according to your plan. Naturally this doesn’t happen that often and the unexpected still kinda (really) bothers you.

I’d like to tell you that everything is exactly like you pictured. That’s not the case but your life is still pretty cool. You have learned a little more to trust in God’s plan, rather than your own but that’s still a pretty tough thing for you to grasp most of the time.

Sometimes you might think that it would be SO MUCH easier to just do what everyone else is doing and forget everything you know in your heart. That’s never a good idea; by the way, to go against what you truly know is right. You might have more friends if you just went with the flow but keep in mind what kind of friends they would truly be. Also remember the type of boys that are attracted to those kinds of girls. You’ll never regret saving anything for the boy you marry (I heard this somewhere and I’m just assuming that it’s true…but I honestly think it is).

I wish I could tell you that you’ve got it all figured out but you so totally do not. And as much as it upsets 15 year old you to not understand, it bothers the 23 year old you EVEN MORE.

Are there things I wish 15 year old me could do differently when she gets to college. FOR SURE. Sometimes I’m certain I made the wrong choice about college. Like if I would have just gone to Harding (or somewhere else) everything would be different. And that’s true, things would be different but that doesn’t mean they would be a better-different. So no, I’m ultimately happy that I went to Clemson. It was a great 5 years of my life and I know that no other college experience could compare to what I had at Clemson. But there are things I would do differently at Clemson. Some of them relate to sticking with accounting (turns out dad did know best) and trying really hard for an internship (turns out they do normally turn into a full-time job offer). But I would super-duper encourage involvement in a church. I totally did this for 4 years but I would do it all differently if I could go back. I wouldn’t be so stuck in the type of church I wanted to attend but rather try and find a great girls Bible study. Try and be more involved in a variety of church and bible study activities. There are some great friendships to be found in those and I SO WISH that I had taken advantage of all of those opportunities.

So enough with the minor regrets…Enjoy high school because college is different (but still great) and one day you’ll so be wishing you could go back!

friends

i'm not sure if i've ever written about this here but i figured i might as well. i had quite possibly the best group of friends ever from first through twelfth grade. i met these girls all at church and i'm pretty confident that if we would not have had that as our starting point, we would have not remained friends for as long as we have. {i should note that i'm still friends with all 4 of these girls, however with college and such we are not as close as we once were}

[ski trip sophomore year(?) 2003 maybe]

melissa, me & sarah

we are 5 very different girls and we definitely had our moments where we we fought and got mad at one another (i may have even pulled someone off of a top bunk bed at camp one summer...i am really really sorry about that one Lacey) i will admit that i was certainly not the easiest person to be friends with, especially during middle school (sorry about that one Sarah) but i like to think that God had a reason for the 5 of us to be such great friends. i think that i didn't fully appreciate the great friendship i had until about a year ago. all of the sudden i had this revelation about how super lucky and so very fortunate i was to have had such amazing friends during such an influential period of my life. i love that i was surrounded by girls who were such good influences on me and maybe the worst thing we even peer pressured one another into doing was trying to sneak into the dorms during rest time at impact. i know, we were such rebels back then. 

[winterfest maybe 2004?]

me, julia(not one the star girls...but i couldn't resist this picture), kari & lacey

[in a 15 passenger van going on a youth trip]

kari, melissa & i

once i got to college i really missed these girls, but i don't think i really recognized that i missed them until a little later. there was definitely a void in my life and all of the sudden i realized why. i missed (so very dearly) the close girly relationships i had with these ladies. not only did i miss hanging out at mcalisters with them well after closing time but i missed the deep conversations we had. i liked the fact that i never had to be ashamed of what i haven't done with a boy when chatting with them. (okay so that may sound a little weird cause it's not like i'm ashamed really...i just think that the word fits) it's really hard to find girls that you can discuss God-honoring relationships with. i feel like while i found some great friends in college, i was never completely honest with them. and i really wasn't as confrontational with them as i would have been with my best girls. and that's okay but at the same time it's totally not. and then i started missing being able to talk with other girls who were going through the same thing i was and girls that were desiring the same thing i wanted. i'm not saying that my college friends didn't want the same things that i wanted but they weren't going about getting these things the same way i would want/approve of. 

[late night at mcalister's 2006]

melissa, me & lacey

[high school graduation-2006]

kari, lacey & i

being really honest with friends is a tricky thing. i think it's an even trickier thing for girls. 
we don't want to feel judged or attacked but we need to be held accountable. we need someone to tell us that it's totally okay to feel uncomfortable but we also need someone to tell us when we're just plain crazy with our expectations. 
i think that i really underestimated my need for close female relationships. i mean it was just so great to have people that were at the exact same life stage you were. and people who  would give me honest advice, no matter what. {okay i might have been a little too honest with my advice sometimes. i'm not always the most compassionate person and my sympathy gene doesn't always kick in when it should...but the other girls were pretty great at this!} 

[reunion at kari's]

me, lacey, kari & melissa

[winterfest 2007]

sarah, lacey, me & melissa

sometimes i wonder if i would still have amazing relationships with these girls if we had all gone to college together. but then i think about how college is a time to grow and experience new things and maybe we needed some separation to really accomplish this. i know that we all need a reunion soon but i feel like the 5 of us are never in the same country, much less same state. but i do treasure each time we get to catch up now. and i love looking back at all the crazy camp pictures we have. 

melissa & i

i think if you met all 5 of us individually you would never believe that we were such great friends. but i'm so thankful that i have those girls. i know that while we might all be moving in very different directions, we will always be able to catch up and reminisce about the time we danced on cars in the parking lot after church one wednesday or sat at groucho's for hours or even that time we watched good burger on my 17th birthday...yup we were quite the wild bunch. 

[summer reunion at olive garden]

lacey, me & sarah

i think this post has started to drag on but i'm glad i got to express how much these ladies mean to me. maybe it's kinda sad that it took me so long to realize how amazing our relationships were but at least i finally figured it out!

[our christmas card picture]

sarah, me, kari, lacey & melissa