so i vaguely mentioned in a previous post that my church experience during college was one of my biggest regrets so far. and i'm sure you read that part and thought "seriously, now i know she's crazy" and well maybe i am. but i don't really have any regrets from college...except church. so maybe i should count myself lucky in that respect. but i do kind of feel cheated. not to beat a dead horse but i think i that i just had really unrealistic expectations of the kinds of relationships you build through church. i mean i went to church...and i went all the freaking time but things just never really clicked for me.
so fall of my freshman year i started attending a college church. i was so excited. i mean this church was so different than the one i had grown up in and i loved that. i loved that it was my choice to go and that there were so many different types of people there. but there was no one else my age (well no other freshmen) and i think that should have been my first sign. i've always gotten along well with older people but everyone already had their group of friends...and i never really found mine. at least not the first year. however by the end of my sophomore year i was beginning to (finally) create some friendships.
my junior year was much better but it was pretty much just a social year. which was fine. looking back on that year, it was fun but there was no real spiritual growth or connection. we always had a girls group but it was pretty shallow when i think about it now. but i don't know if i would have wanted something deep. i mean talking about the important stuff isn't easy. and it really takes a special leader and group for a great girls group to happen. and i don't think i ever experienced that while at college. i mean i never really talked about fears or the what-ifs in life, i mean we never got real with each other. we did such generic topics and i so wish we had done something that could have provoked the deep stuff. there was a little bit of drama with the girls group (which didn't help anything) but ultimately i think that we could never get the right topic with the right people to happen. so the deep & real relationships didn't happen. and i really regret not looking outside of the church i was attending to find a bible study that more fit my desires. (i think this is also a slight fear i have right now...i would just really like to attend a ladies bible study that wasn't for women of all ages...cause i don't really think that the 65 year old lady who has been married for 40 years can relate to me as well as someone who is 25...but anyways)
by my senior year i was freaked out that i hadn't met the boy and that i had no idea what i was going to do with my life (and 2+ years later i'm still in the same boat...ironic maybe?) so i was kinda stressed. and i was "working" at the church very, very part-time. i think around this point i just wanted a reason to no longer go. i was so just going for the social aspect and because going to church is what you do. this year was when i started struggling the most with the whole "where do i belong" thing. i was so, so stressed about what to do with my life. senior year is really a blur when i think about church. for the first time i really, really needed & missed my close girl-friends. i think it really hit me when i was at a college retreat and even though i had been before, i was totally expecting it to be like the retreats from high school. and it just wasn't. AT ALL. mainly because when i needed to talk to someone about how scared i was of failing, of letting people down & of being alone (you know, basic life thoughts) i didn't feel like i had anyone. i mean i wanted someone who was going through it too. (and maybe i just expected too much?!) so i ended up crying in a bathroom at gulfcoast. not one of my proudest moments but it was real. and then a few weeks later i got into grad school and things kind of calmed down. at least i would have another year to figure things out (and i'll let you know when i actually do that). {i honestly just knew that i was going to meet the boy in grad school...after all that had to be why i got in...again i might be crazy}
so i graduated undergrad and started grad school. i decided to go to another church near campus. it was a complete 180 from the church i grew up in. and for about 3 weeks that was super cool. then it wasn't. but i still went, because that's what you do. there were no other college students really there but there were some young married couples that i already knew. i'm not going to lie, a reason i was so willing to try something different was that i was hoping i could develop some friendships with these people. however that didn't pan out, partly because while they may have been young married couples only a few years older than me, they acted about 12. and i think that they kind of looked down on me because i was still in college (grad school people) and i was younger than they were & not married. and for whatever reason it was kind of a crappy year church wise. (and i totally know my attitude played a role in this) i was uncomfortable while in church, scared that i was going to do something that would be frowned upon (like clap) and most of the time i ended up at lunch alone because the couples all went together and i obviously wasn't cool enough to be invited. and okay so that sounds bitter but i promise i'm not. they really are not the type of people i want to be friends with but it still hurt that they didn't want to include me. i mean i am only human after all.
and looking back on this time (and maybe i'm just being a little dramatic) but i think that this somewhat explains how i feel now. like i really don't want to be this huge burden on your life or anything but i think i'm a pretty cool and fun person (yeah obviously lame if i say that about myself, i know) but you know, maybe it's just too much for you to include me. and hey, this is why i need single friends...people who maybe sometimes feel the same way & that don't have a husband/wife/family to eat with.
so here we are, up to where i'm currently going to church. i like it. a lot. maybe because it's a lot like the church i grew up in and that makes me happy. maybe it's because i think i'm finally making my own friends...kind of. i do wish that there were some single people there but again i'm just hanging out with the married people & their kids. i don't really know where i'll end up getting a permanent job at so i haven't really let myself fully accept that this church could be the first church i attend as a "real" adult..or that could be a church in another state completely. i guess i'll just have to wait and see where i end up. but hopefully, wherever that is, it will be at a great church. because i now know how important a great church is. and i won't be making that mistake again.
**i've had this blog post written for almost a week and i've hesitated to post it. but i really feel like i should. i am definitely not trying to tell anyone that they should stop attending church if they don't like it because one day they will regret going. what i regret is that i was complacent and didn't look to see what else the world had to offer me. maybe i just took the easy road and that's what i regret. as i've said before, some of the very best relationships i have were built through church. and i want nothing more than for my children to love going to church as much as i have and for them to have those same relationships. i was careful to not mention where i was attending church because that's not the important part of the story.
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